...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
