i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
