Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
