omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
