Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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