my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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