things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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