dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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