I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
