I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
