we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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