Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
