Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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