Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Let's get the cat blown out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
