Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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