textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
