Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
