Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
