Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
