I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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