I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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