She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
