She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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