Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
