I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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