just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
