Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
