Someone shit on the floor
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
