I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
