Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
