I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
