just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
