Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
