my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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