I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
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I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
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