it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
