How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
