he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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