why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
