i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
