I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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