id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
