so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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