My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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