Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
