Your mouth is God's brothel.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
