she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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