just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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