so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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