my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
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