So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
