We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
