you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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