They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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