So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Hippo gnu deer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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