i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
