I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
