I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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