Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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