this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
