You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
